Many people find themselves stuck in a cycle of constant dissatisfaction. They set ambitious goals and create long bucket lists, thinking each new accomplishment will bring lasting happiness.
But here's the catch: the thrill of each success is fleeting. No matter how hard you work or how many hours you invest, the feeling of satisfaction quickly fades. The more you chase it, the more it slips away, pushing you to strive harder for something that always seems just out of reach.
The Hedonic Treadmill
Ever heard the song “I Can’t Get No Satisfaction” by The Rolling Stones? It perfectly captures our endless pursuit of satisfaction. As Mick Jagger sings, “I try, and I try, and I try, and I try… but I can’t get no satisfaction.”
Jagger's struggle highlights a flawed formula: satisfaction = getting what you want. In reality, it doesn't work that way. Give a 3-year-old the french fry she’s reaching for and watch her satisfaction rise. But within seconds, the desire returns.
Our bodies and brains are designed to maintain balance to ensure survival. We have mechanisms like homeostasis that regulate everything from our temperature to our levels of oxygen, water, and nutrients. Similarly, our brains have built-in systems to keep our emotions stable. This makes it tough to sustain high or low feelings for long periods, especially positive ones.
This is why substances like drugs and alcohol have the effect they do. The initial pleasure may be intense, but our brains quickly adapt to restore balance. The first high is impossible to regain, leading to a cycle of craving more and more.
This endless chase is known as The Hedonic Treadmill. It’s based on the observation that people tend to quickly return to a baseline level of happiness, or “set point,” regardless of major positive or negative events.
For instance, lottery winners often don’t end up significantly happier than they were before. They may experience a brief boost in happiness, but soon revert to their original state, or even find themselves less happy due to the changes in their lives. The same goes for setbacks. Despite facing challenges or losses, people eventually return to their natural happiness set point.
Why We Strive For More
Throughout most of human history, survival was a daily challenge. Scarcity meant that having extra resources, like food and animal skins, was crucial for weathering tough times, such as harsh winters. But it wasn't just about survival; having more than others also made you appear more capable and attractive, which could help you find friends, romantic partners, and opportunities to pass on your genes.
This drive to accumulate remains ingrained in us. Research shows that when we think about acquiring new things, winning money, gaining power, or seeking new experiences, our brains release dopamine—a chemical linked to our reward system that makes us feel good.
However, in today's world, where basic survival needs are often met, our old formula—satisfaction = getting what you want—no longer fits. Instead, the equation should be: satisfaction = what you have ÷ what you want.
Our evolutionary instincts push us to focus on increasing our “haves,” but it’s the “wants” that truly matter.
Our desires are constantly being stimulated, often without us even realising it. Just scroll through social media and you'll be bombarded by ads and influencers promoting things you don’t need. These subtle cues and targeted marketing play on our desires, nudging us toward purchases that align with marketers’ narratives, not our own happiness.
To find genuine satisfaction, we need to stop accumulating more stuff and start managing our wants. By shifting our focus from having more to understanding and controlling our desires, we can lead more fulfilling and content lives.
How To Manage Our Wants?
According to Harvard Professor Arthur Brooks, there are two practical things we can do to manage our wants.
1. Make A Reverse Bucket List
Many self-help guides recommend making a bucket list to spark personal growth and motivation. These lists often include grand experiences like skydiving, visiting famous landmarks, or achieving career milestones.
While these extrinsic rewards can offer temporary satisfaction, they often lead to more dissatisfaction as our desires grow. Instead, try creating a reverse bucket list.
A reverse bucket list includes not just the things you want, but also the things you know will make you happy—your intrinsic rewards. These might involve aspects of faith, family, friendships, or work that is meaningful and serves others.
Once you have both lists—extrinsic and intrinsic—evaluate how your pursuit of external rewards competes with your intrinsic sources of happiness for your time, attention, and resources. For example, if you aim to become a partner at a firm, consider how this goal will impact your time and attention and how it might affect your life in the long run.
This exercise helps you understand what truly makes you happy and enables you to focus on what matters most.
2. Get Smaller
Managing our wants often brings to mind decluttering and simplifying our material possessions. However, there's a deeper aspect to this process. Instead of constantly chasing the next big thing or dwelling on what we lack, we can shift our focus to the present moment.
To incorporate this mindset, intentionally include one task in your daily routine that encourages you to be fully present. For instance, take a walk without any electronic distractions and immerse yourself in your surroundings. Or, send a daily message to a loved one—a photo, a joke, or a heartfelt note can strengthen relationships and spread positivity.
By practicing these habits, you train yourself to embrace the present moment and find fulfillment in small, meaningful experiences. This shift helps you break free from the relentless pursuit of more and discover contentment right where you are.
References
- Arthur Brooks' article: https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2022/03/why-we-are-never-satisfied-happiness/621304/
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