Let me ask you something: If tomorrow was your last day, would you feel content, or would you die with regrets?
It’s a heavy question, one that most of us try to avoid. But recently, it’s been on my mind more than usual. As someone who has spent years working in the field of palliative care, I’ve been constantly reminded of how short and precious life really is.
But the turning point came when my grandfather passed away.
He had big dreams. One of those was to travel across Europe with my grandmother once they retired. But life had other plans. Not long after retiring, my grandmother suffered a severe fall, leading to complications that limited their mobility. Then, my grandfather was diagnosed with cancer. He fought it for two long years before entering palliative care and eventually passing peacefully.
It broke my heart knowing they never got the chance to live out their dream of traveling together. But what haunts me most is wondering whether he had regrets. Did he ever wish he had taken time off work earlier to travel when they still could? I’ll never know for sure.
And it got me thinking: What are the most common regrets of the dying? Can we live in a way that avoids them? And perhaps most importantly, what might I regret at the end of my life?
The Biggest Regret People Have at the End of Life
When you start digging into this topic, you quickly come across Bronnie Ware. An Australian caregiver, she spent eight years working in palliative care, and in that time, she compiled the most common regrets people shared with her. She later wrote a book, The Top 5 Regrets of the Dying, where these themes emerged time and time again:
- “I wish I had let myself be happier.”
- “I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.”
- “I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.”
- “I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.”
- And most commonly: “I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.”
The common thread in all these regrets? It’s not about circumstances or external factors. It’s about not becoming the person they truly wanted to be.
Researchers from Cornell University conducted a study called "The Ideal Road Not Taken," where they identified three ways people think about themselves:
- The actual self (who we think we are),
- The ideal self (who we want to be),
- And the ought self (who we think we should be, based on responsibilities and expectations).
The biggest regret arises when there’s a gap between your actual self and your ideal self. It’s not the things you did that you regret — it’s the things you didn’t do to become who you wanted to be.
As Dan Sullivan put it:
"The definition of hell is: On your last day on Earth, the person you became meets the person you could have become."
How to Avoid Regret
So how do you avoid this regret? You reverse-engineer it.
You need to align who you are today (your actual self) with the person you want to become (your ideal self) and reduce the influence of the life you think you should live (your ought self).
Here’s how to do it in three steps:
- List your potential end-of-life regrets. Close your eyes and imagine your deathbed. What are the things you’d regret if you never got the chance to do them? Write them down.
- Identify the reasons behind these regrets. Why do you think you’d regret these things? What’s the gap between who you are now and the person you want to be?
- Take actionable steps today. For each potential regret, what can you do right now to close the gap between your actual and ideal self? What specific actions can you take to build a life with fewer regrets?
My Own Regret List
I’ve done this exercise myself, and I’d like to share my top three end-of-life regrets, along with what I’m doing to prevent them.
Regret #1: Not taking care of my health.
Your health is the foundation of everything. As Steven Bartlett puts it in The 33 Laws of Business and Life, your health is like a table holding everything else in your life — your relationships, work, hobbies. If the table breaks, everything else comes crashing down.
To prevent this regret, I’m prioritising my health by committing to run a half marathon on July 6th, 2024.
Regret #2: Not spending enough time with my parents.
As Donn Felker points out, around 90% of the time you spend with your parents happens before the age of 18. The time we have left with them is limited. I don’t want to wake up one day regretting the time I didn’t spend with them.
Even though I live far away, I’m committing to seeing my parents at least once a year.
Regret #3: Not being present in the moment.
Too often, we get caught up dwelling on the past or worrying about the future, missing out on the present. But life is happening now, and I don’t want to miss it.
I’m making a conscious effort to pause and savour moments with friends, family, and nature. I’ll remind myself to step outside my experience, review it, and truly appreciate it.
What Might You Regret?
I encourage you to try this exercise. It can give you a clearer sense of what’s truly important in your life, and help you build a life that’s free from regret.
Ask yourself:
- What are the regrets you might face at the end of your life?
- Are your current actions helping you avoid these regrets?
- What changes can you make today to live a life true to yourself?
As the old saying goes: It’s not the things we do that we regret, but the things we leave undone.