Have you ever noticed your mind drifting away from the present moment? Maybe you find yourself replaying an argument from last week, or daydreaming about a future that hasn’t arrived.
Humans possess the incredible ability to reflect on the past, imagine the future, and even picture scenarios that may never come to pass. While this mental flexibility is unique, it comes at a cost. Studies show that we spend nearly half of our waking hours thinking about something other than the present moment.
This capacity to think beyond the here and now creates a gap between our expectations and reality—a gap that often breeds dissatisfaction and unhappiness.
Two Types of Happiness
In an attempt to bridge this gap, many of us chase things like wealth, status, and pleasure, believing these will bring lasting happiness. But this assumption rarely holds up.
Our brains are wired for survival, not happiness. Even though we live in an advanced world, the mind doesn’t care whether you have the latest gadget or a bigger house. Yet we persist in chasing external rewards, convinced they’ll make us happy.
To understand this better, we can break down happiness into two types:
- Relative Happiness
- Absolute Happiness
Relative Happiness
Relative happiness depends on your circumstances. When things go well, you feel good. When things don’t, your mood dips. We set goals, buy new gadgets, or chase achievements, believing these will bring fulfillment. But this type of happiness is fleeting. It’s driven by external factors—things, people, and situations beyond our control.
Over time, we adapt to whatever new thing we’ve acquired, and the thrill fades. We’re left searching for the next hit of excitement, stuck in a loop of never-ending desire.
Absolute Happiness
Absolute happiness, on the other hand, is internal. It comes from being content with life as it is, regardless of external conditions. It’s the kind of happiness that remains steady whether you’re in the best of circumstances or the worst.
Unlike relative happiness, absolute happiness isn’t tied to what you achieve or acquire. It’s lasting and enriches not only your life but the lives of those around you. The irony? We don’t have to chase it at all.
Why We Get Happiness Wrong
So why do we continue to pursue things that only bring temporary happiness? The answer lies in the way our minds work. Psychologists call this tendency "miswanting"—we go after things we believe will make us happy, only to find they don’t deliver as much joy as we expected.
1. Faulty Intuitions
We all have intuitive ideas about what will make us happy, but research shows that these intuitions are often wrong. Take money, for example. We assume that more money equals more happiness. But studies reveal that once our basic needs are met, additional wealth doesn’t increase happiness.
This holds true for many things: promotions, possessions, even relationships. As happiness expert Laurie Santos points out:
"We think the problem is that we can’t always get what we want. But the truth is, even if we did, we probably wouldn’t be as happy as we expect—because we want the wrong things."
2. Reference Points
Another cognitive trap we fall into is comparison. We measure our success, happiness, and worth by comparing ourselves to others. Whether it’s through social media, career achievements, or physical appearance, we constantly set new reference points.
The downside? No matter how much we achieve, there will always be someone doing better, which can leave us feeling unfulfilled even when we’re objectively doing well.
3. Hedonic Adaptation
Hedonic adaptation is our tendency to return to a baseline level of happiness, no matter what happens in life. One famous example is the "lottery winner" effect. Research shows that lottery winners experience an initial surge in happiness but eventually return to their previous happiness levels. The excitement wears off, and they adapt to their new situation.
4. Impact Bias
Impact bias occurs when we overestimate how much an event will affect our long-term happiness. For instance, you might think moving to a new city will bring lasting joy. Initially, it might—but as hedonic adaptation sets in, the boost fades faster than expected.
We constantly think the next big thing will change our lives, but the reality is, our minds adapt, and the happiness we seek slips through our fingers.
By understanding the limitations of relative happiness and focusing on cultivating absolute happiness, we can break free from the cycle of miswanting and create a life that feels genuinely fulfilling.