Have you ever felt like something’s off because you’re not as happy as everyone else seems to be?
Maybe you're not naturally cheerful, and people have often asked if you're okay because you seem a little down—or at least not as happy as others. Or perhaps you catch yourself focusing on what might go wrong, even when everything is fine. You’re not dealing with any major issues, just cruising through life, but the negative thoughts still creep in.
If any of this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. In fact, people typically have more than 6,000 thoughts that cross their minds every day, of which 80% are negative and 90% are exactly the same thought as the day before.
So, what's going on?
The Negativity Bias
You’ve probably felt that surge of excitement when you think about a fun weekend or a crush. It’s that rush of positive energy that lifts your mood and puts a smile on your face. But when negative thoughts take over—whether it’s worries about work or a relationship—they tend to stick around longer, making you feel miserable and pulling your attention away from the present.
It’s like when you check into a beautiful hotel. The room is perfect, the bed looks cozy, and the view is stunning. But then, you see a spider in the bathroom sink. Now, despite the perfect room and great view, all you can think about is the spider. The anxiety sticks with you, and by morning, you're tired and upset, feeling like the whole stay was ruined.
When you tell your friends about the experience, you'll likely focus on the spider, barely mentioning the rest of the hotel. That’s the negativity bias in action. Our brains give more weight to negative experiences than positive ones. Psychologist Rick Hanson sums it up well:
“The mind is like Velcro for negative experiences and Teflon for positive ones.”
Your Ancestors' Brain
This negativity bias is deeply rooted in our evolutionary history. Thousands of years ago, our ancestors lived in a world full of threats—predators, food scarcity, and harsh environments. Their brains were wired to focus on dangers to ensure survival.
Today, the threats have changed. We’re not running from lions or searching for food every day. But our brains still work the same way. Instead of saving us from predators, they try to protect us from things like public speaking, heartbreak, or embarrassing moments.
And here’s the kicker: happiness isn't hardwired into us. Our brains aren’t designed for it. They’re designed for survival, which often leads us to chase things that don’t actually make us happy—more money, more stuff—because we mistakenly think "more" equals survival.
That's why people say: 'Don't go to the supermarket on an empty stomach.' Your brain, in survival mode, pushes you to buy way more food than you need—especially high-calorie, low-nutrient stuff like chips or chocolate. It’s a survival instinct, not a happiness strategy.
The same happens with happiness. Your brain pushes you to seek more of everything, thinking it’ll lead to happiness. But in reality, that’s just survival talking, not fulfillment.
Take Charge of Your Thoughts
So, how do you break free from negative thinking patterns?
1. Accept the Negativity Bias
First, accept that the negativity bias is real. As Mark Manson puts it:
“The desire for more positive experience is itself a negative experience. And, paradoxically, the acceptance of one’s negative experience is itself a positive experience.”
In other words, trying to be happy all the time is a trap. Accepting that negative thoughts are part of life can actually reduce their impact. They exist for a reason, to help us grow, find meaning, and overcome obstacles.
2. Become the CEO of Your Brain
Second, you can train yourself to become the CEO of your brain. While you can’t control every thought that pops into your head, you can choose which ones you focus on. A simple way to do this is to ask yourself, “Is this thought useful?” If it’s not, let it go and replace it with something more productive.
For example, instead of thinking, “I’m going to mess up this presentation and everyone will laugh,” you can swap that thought with, “I’ve prepared well, and I’ll do my best.” This shift can help you feel more confident and focused.
Another strategy is to create distance between yourself and your thoughts. Instead of saying, “I’m so stressed,” try saying, “I’m having the thought that I’m stressed.” This small shift turns the thought from something overwhelming into something more manageable and neutral.
So, the next time you're caught in negative thinking, remember—it’s not a personal flaw. It’s your survival brain doing its job. But you don’t have to let it control you. By becoming the CEO of your brain, you can observe your thoughts, reframe them, and choose a more positive path forward.
References
- Tseng J, Poppenk J. Brain meta-state transitions demarcate thoughts across task contexts exposing the mental noise of trait neuroticism. Nature communications. 2020 Jul 13;11(1):1-2.